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View Full Version : When YOU don't meet the vision/expecations of others...even yourself



JennyO
02-12-2011, 10:53 AM
Your family just cannot meet your church's vision to carry out the Gospel.

Your own body won't cooperate with your heart and mind...on so many levels (I'm scheduled to see a doctor for this:clap:)

You feel that if you (the mom) and your special needs child were deleted from the picture, that rest of your family would be "ideal." (because I will not act like my daughter doesn't exist to the rest of the world. If she is disabled, so am I.)

you consistently wonder if you're letting your kids down daily

Though you have this great husband and you try so hard to do things right, he says that you don't give him enough thought (you give too much thought to the kids.)

Your oldest special needs child is not gaining enough weight and acts like she's in distress a lot. Plus, she demands her own way a lot as well. Sigh.

Your precious five year old has sensory issues and maybe more going on and you're concerned about him (and you try to bring it up with your husband now and then...hence the reason you're "thinking of the kids too much.")

This where I am. The thing that has pushes me to the edge the most is hearing my husband's thoughts. I love him so much. I know he wants me to be more light hearted about things and give him more attention. But, I am at home ALL day, EVERY day with a special needs child who is happy with very little that I can provide for her (Though, she acts as though I mean the world to her.) She is so loving and sweet at times. But, she has ongoing gut issues...I cannot figure out anymore (the doctors seem to be "duh" about it all.) The stress is weighing on me greatly. I seriously feel like I have to be done with it. If the Lord allows her to get a feeding tube down the road (though, she'll hate it), then so be it. My five year old son? He is so sweet. But, I've also needed to come to a different understanding about him. He belongs to the Lord, as my other children do. But, he definitely needs extra help (He gets OT weekly.) He lacks so much common sense, along with his sensory issues. I cannot leave him alone in large settings or even church settings it seems. I don't easily trust others with my kids (which I am glad of) and all of these extra needs take a toll on me...my marriage I guess.

I go on and on about my husband all of the time, as I didn't have a dad that cared about me growing up and not at all now. My husband is great! I want to be a great wife too. I thought I was...though not perfect. My husband is entitled to share his feelings. But, how do I give more of myself to anyone?? I'm praying that my husband's needs will be met first by the Lord and for myself as well. I consider our marriage GOOD, as would he. But, often we have so many emotions to know what to do with.

I've been feeling so down. :sad:

JennyO
02-12-2011, 12:16 PM
I've been thinking about this too. As I've stated before, we switched churches a while ago. While it has helped us attend church as a family, it doesn't change our circumstances. I am getting to know more women in the church body. I've gone to baby showers, did a bible study, and I am now involved in a book club that meets once a month.

I've been praying for my husband to have some good guy friends. I know it all takes, time...hence the reason why I am praying;) Yet, I have to be careful not to nag my husband. He is more than busy and helping out here at home and appointments. He feels swamped...for sure. Any Bible study for men, he seems to say he doesn't have time for. There is really no accountability for him right now. My husband is loving and competely faithful to me. I cannot help but think that some of the understanding he needs might come from meeting with some great Christian guys. He had that somewhat in our last church. But, I also realize that what he is saying is TRUE to him. He's not one to lie to me.

I think my husband's feelings are valid. I think him wanting me to be "happy" most of the time and light hearted is *very* real for him. This is HIS personality. We've had one serious issue after another since our marriage. I came from a physically and emotionally abusive family straight into our marriage, my parents divorced when we were just married, then we had a special needs child straight into that. It's A LOT. The Lord has blessed us and been so good to us. But, if I think my husband could look back thus far on our marriage he would regret that we've had so many hard obstacles to crawl over. Past abuse (from my side of the family), divorce, and a special needs child....and throw in our own personal dysfunctions :lol: have made our first years of marriage very stretching. Oh yeah...five more kids added to that mix!

This all being stated. We cannot be in denial. God allows hardships to refine us. I know that my husband and I do work thru things at different rates. I am fine with that. I grieves me to think that he feels I don't think of him enough. I want to. That is my heart's desire. Maybe weekly in-home date nights aren't enough. Maybe I do share too many negative things that happen during the day. I mean...in a housefull of six kids, there are things that are hard. Many, many joys too! Maybe I need to be taking the harder issues elsewhere...to other moms who can relate. And mainly share the good stuff with him, unless I have no other choice. I know there needs to be a balance with this. My dh is my best friend. I WANT to share things with him. I need to pray about this balance more! Would you pray for me too? I don't want to suck the life out of my husband. I don't want my concern for my kids to be sucking the life out of our marriage. I know there is truth to that. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.:D

I can see I am just having a conversation with myself on this thread...lol. That's okay!

TonyaP
02-12-2011, 12:43 PM
:group:

It's hard for me to remember that when I am under attack, my DH probably is too. We both need to recognize the source of our distress and the true enemy. Yes, sometimes one or both of us would like to have something we aren't getting- peace, sleep, you name it! But we have to keep our eyes on the big picture, it's not about us. MUCH easier said than done. High stress gets to everyone. Pray for strength and the ability to overcome all obstacles. Remember- the battle has been won.

JennyO
02-12-2011, 01:37 PM
Thank you Tonya!:)

My husband and I just got done having a good and honest talk. It's good between us.:hcry: We both agree that we feel were grasping at straws again with our oldest daughters gut issues. It DOES cause us a lot of stress. Especially me, since I am her primary caregiver. Our five year old's issues just tend to magnify what is going on with our oldest daughter. They are very separate issues.

I had my husband read my previous posts. He told me that I had A LOT of thoughts and feelings that I am dealing with. He said that he felt sorry that I was carrying all of this. But, that for him, he just wants sometime with me without talking about the kids. He needs that. I guess I don't really think about when I am or am not chatting about the kiddos. But, I can see what he is saying.

Yes, Tonya...it's NOT about us. I agree! The enemy must not be happy with us...for sure! My husband is now regularly leading family devotinal time with the family and the affect it's having on our 8 year old son is pretty profound, in a great way! An answered prayer of mine.

So glad that the Lord uses such imperfect people to glorify Himself!

Jen in AL
02-12-2011, 01:53 PM
:group: Praying for you. I struggle in some of the same ways you do, so you're not alone.:group:

CINDY LB OH
02-14-2011, 03:22 PM
:group: Jenny.

Your probably already thought of these things, but....

Are there any respite care services that you can contact in your area? Someone that you would feel comfortable leaving you dd with for an evening?

Even someone who could come to your house for a few hours to watch her and play with her, while you two have some time alone, even if you don't leave the house yourselves?

Maybe you could start leaving him some little notes around the house to let him know you're thinking of him. I like that he leads family devotions-- that is wonderful.

JennyO
02-20-2011, 01:42 PM
Thanks Cindy :)

Things have been so much better this last week. One that has really been affecting us (me and my husband) is how I have been feeling. I haven't been feeling well. So, I finally found myself a good "family dr." and took myself in. I have always considered myself strong and healthy. The only time I go to see a dr. is for babies and colds. So, my OB was fine, and I typically did walk-in clinics for colds. But, lately I feel depleted. And I have I am hormonally challenged. I've been having lots of headaches, joint pain (especially before my time of the month) and I am tired a lot. So, I am seeing a nurse practitioner who specializes in holistic medicine, as well as traditional medicine. But, she is very suspicious of my hormones being off. She doing a blood test for that...testing my thyroid (as I've had nodules and cysts develop on my thyroid during my fifth pregnancy, but found to be benign), and also testing for rheumatoid arthritis. She also suspects that my hormones could actually be lowering my immune system. Which is a perfect description in what actually feels like happens in my body. So..I am now on fish oil and probiotics. When my blood tests come back...we'll see where to go from there. I am just so happy to be proactive in getting myself to feel better.

We do have respite for my daughter. As far as just leaving her with someone else...it's not that easy;) I use respite when it works for us. God is good! Anyway, just a little update.

tracy
02-23-2011, 09:21 PM
no answers. no real words of comfort.
just a good ole" mommy hug ((((jenny))))
and
a kiss on the cheek for good measure :kiss:

JennyO
03-21-2011, 08:48 PM
Just another little update. I am planning on getting a few tests done this week. I know my hormones are a tad bit wonky! I've really been following them this last month. Wow. I've had foot pain, and knee pain, along with headaches. I am going to have my thyroid checked and cortisol level as well. Along with a Vit D check and some other things as well. All of this has affected my feelings about so much. Especially my energy level with being a caregiver to a special needs child and a mommy to my kiddos. I love being a mommy. But, when the energy just isn't there somedays and the hormones are messy. Ugh.

My husband is great. Things are well with us. He completely recognizes the pattern each month with my hormones. He tries to be patient with it too. Yet, I know it's hard. I've really been trying harder to have more to talk about outside of our six kids.;) I've always thought that I was pretty good about that. But, adding another child into the mix with some special needs felt rather overwhelming for a while. I still have my moments. Anyway, this is how things are here!

Jo in PRC
03-23-2011, 02:38 AM
Jenny - maybe it's time to get new expectations. Any young mother has her hands full...add in multiple kids and a special needs situation and your expectation should really be just to get to the end of each day with everyone fed and still breathing. ;)

I know that my personality is to please people. I LIKE to have people like me and think that I'm doing a good job. But one thing that I've had to learn since Anna was first diagnosed is that I simply cannot do everything. I can't be everything. I've slowly learned to say things like "That's great, but I'm not available to help right now." or "My first priority is to work with Anna, but if I have extra time, I'll let you know."

Hope that you are feeling better and getting some answers to the whole whacky hormone thing. :group:

JennyO
03-23-2011, 01:47 PM
Jo...I agree with you ;) Sometimes I do really expect too much. One thing that does help us though is some relaxed structure. I keep praying that the Lord helps me to do just what He's set before me daily and not to worry about pleasing others. Unfortunately, I love to please the people that I love too much at times.:unsure:;)

Miranda
03-30-2011, 07:20 PM
Im glad that you and your husband had a nice talk and hopefully worked some things out. I am actually on the other end of the spectrum. I need dhs attention, love, support, intimacy and he just doesnt give it. We have tried to talk and he just tells me that I am complaining. :sad:

It is so hard sometimes having so much responsibility. Truthfully, I want more children. I love my family so much. I love staying home. I love homeschooling. But just because we love it doesnt mean that it will not be hard.

Im sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. Heres a hug from one special needs momma to another. :group:

JennyO
03-31-2011, 12:36 AM
Thank you, Miranda! And thank you for the hugs!:group: Things are going fairly well. A lot of my issue is my hormones. I am now on Fish oil and vitamin D. Going to get my thyroid checked too. My body has just been thru a lot the last several years with six kids and four c-sections and then being a caregiver and mommy. I love being a mommy as well.;)

I will be praying for you, Miranda. You sound like a great mom. I am praying for extra support for you!