View Full Version : Give me some perspective

Rebecca in Orlando
04-08-2011, 06:53 AM

Some of you already know that I recently had a garden put in ...2 raised beds. I had someone knowledgeable help me. I love them and haven't been so excited about anything in a while! I casually mention to dh that I want to get a third one in the fall...AND I want to get my dad to help me put a picket fence around them just for aesthetics. I had a whole vision in mind. I like things organized and symmetrical. (MY house is NOT that way due to living with 4 other people who really don't share my neurotic tendencies.). Oh, and also for months we've talked about getting our son a sandbox. On Wed evening, I said why don't we do that this weekend? And I mentioned where I would like to place it.

SO...I work one day a week...yesterday. I come home. My dh (along with a friend who has worked on stuff here before and has a history of mistakes) have put in a sandbox..NOPE...not where I'd like it to be...but instead in a sunny spot (last 1/2 of day)..and way too close to the house (more sand tracking in). AND to top it off, they made another garden box...bigger than the others, so it doesn't flow right , plus they put it in a place I absolutely would not want it. They ruined the look I had pictured in my mind. AND, they bought topsoil with out any thought of how to prepare the bottom of the bed, no compost, nothing...And thinking that I would just have plenty of time to go out and find plants and plant them..(I have one free day coming up sometime in JUNE I think).

Of course, I try but cannot hide my disappointment. SO, dh is mad, his friend thinks I am an ungrateful wench. (maybe?)..But, this was MY project. The joy is gone. I am mad, disappointed, just sad about the whole thing. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about it. Why didn't he communicate with me first before doing all this? It cost a lot of money..and my dad was willing to help me with the fence. DH wants his friend to do it. I am scared it will look terrible. NEVER once has this friend done a job the way he was supposed to. And why pay him when my dad would be glad to do it? (In dh's defense...he always wants to help this freind,,he is a good guy, responsible for allowing God to use him to bring dh back into fellowship with Jesus, and the friend doesn't have a regular job, so dh feels bad for him).

Ugh...thanks for your patience if you have read this far. I haven't talked to dh about it yet. He brought it up at bedtime, but I told him I'd rather talk about it when I was not so tired.

Any advice, thoughts, criticism?

Thank you:D

Gwen in Texas
04-08-2011, 06:58 AM
Any advice, thoughts, criticism?

Nope, just some of these: :group::group::group:

Rachel Jane
04-08-2011, 07:18 AM
I've got nothing. In my world, I suck it up, smile and say thanks and then joke about it 7 or so years later. :perplex:

Can you do a drawing of what you wanted and write down exactly what needs to happen to the soil? Maybe tag on a little apology, "I really wanted to do this project with my dad."

04-08-2011, 07:28 AM
No criticism, it hurts when things don't go to plan.

Obviously he thought he was doing something really great for you and how sweet is that?! I am sure you recognized that and let him know you were thankful.

How would he take to you moving things a bit? It will be a lot of work to move but in the long run you'll feel better about it.

Michelle B.
04-08-2011, 07:30 AM
:group::group:That is so frustrating. I understand your pain but don't know what I'd do. I'm a grin and try to make the best of it person:)

Colleen OH
04-08-2011, 07:37 AM

I have to say, many of *my* projects/goals/ambitions have been derailed over the years. I sorta get used to adapting.....

Steve Lambert
04-08-2011, 07:47 AM
This is an all-too-common theme for Jane and I. (sigh)

She mentions an idea and I want to HELP her. Really. I do! So I charge in and do something "for her" that I think will bless her. I usually do it WAY bigger than she had in mind and almost never the way she had in mind.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that I ALWAYS am wanting to bless her- to delight her heart- to surprise her and to make her dreams come true.

Unfortunately, it seldom works out that way. She's remarkably gracious in her disappointment and I promise myself I won't take over her next idea and make a mess of it. But I usually do. :unsure:

I share this because my heart is ALWAYS in the right place- it's just that my brain is usually in the WRONG place! :lol:

Men don't get the chance to hunt down a buffalo and bring home the meat anymore, so we want to "do something" to show our wives how much we love them and to fulfill our role as a "provider." But all too often it turns into a trainwreck when we find ourselves on the same track our wife is on- but going the wrong direction just before the head-on collision.

As one who has been guilty too many times to count, I'm sorry your husband messed it all up. We men are specialists in doing that. :eyes:



Heather W
04-08-2011, 07:53 AM
Here's another perspective for you...

I dying to have a garden and my husband wants nothing to do with one!!! And gives me the worst spot in the yard to try it and says I told you so when not much grows there. ;)

I would be delighted if I got a raised bed to work with! Even if it's in the wrong spot.

Can you move it yourself to a better spot? Just siting that plants will grow better elsewhere...

If not, go one season so the problem is obvious and have them move it next year?

I'm sorry it did not go as planned.

04-08-2011, 09:32 AM
Oh, I can so relate. I am sorry your vision was ruined. I am also sorry your disappointment showed and hurt your dh and his friend.

That happens in every relationship and it can be SOOOOOO hard to overcome in the moment. I could list all the "buffalos" my dh has hunted down for me in our marriage, (Thanks, Steve!) but I will just send you a :group: and say I understand.

Your dh sounds like a wonderful man. He actually heard your desire for the yard improvements, he tried to surprise you, he blessed a friend with work, and did it so promptly.

04-08-2011, 12:58 PM
I know; it's so hard to be appreciative of your husband's intentions when the results are a big disappointment for you. :group:

I'm laughing at Steve's description. That's just like my husband! I wish I were as gracious as Jane. :blush: I bet my husband does too. :lol:

04-08-2011, 01:06 PM
In the place of that wonderful plan in your mind, when you look out at the work your DH has done put the words "I am so very loved!" Then take a moment to thank the Lord for a man with a good heart and good intentions. :group:

ETA: I'd probably be disappointed, so the above steps are what I'd do to "reset" my heart. ;)

04-08-2011, 01:25 PM
Is it possible to move the sandbox and garden box where you want them? If not, I would just thank him for what he did, and go with it. As for the fence, I would tell him that you had already planned for your dad to help you, and you're going to ask him.

Robin in Colorado
04-08-2011, 01:52 PM
I'd have been pretty torqued.

Frankly, you're not helping me if you're not helping me. Doing what you think I need if it's wrong isn't helping - it's making it worse.

So.... Assume your dh was trying to help. Love on him, tell him you appreciate it, but that it just won't work like it is and the sand box has to be moved and that you will enjoy working on that project with him tomorrow.

And if the other garden bed won't work, either he can dismantle it or you can. Gardens are serious business - they are food production and for saving money.

Last spring after I planted, DH hired someone to come in and aerate my lawn. However, he did it online and ordered the wrong thing and they were out here spraying stuff on my lawn - with drift right into our food! I almost went NUTS. It wasn't pretty.

If you don't fix it, you'll resent it every day for the lifetime of the sandbox and the garden box. Fix it now. Sweetly and graciously, but fix it.

I'm so sorry; I feel your pain.

Rachel Jane
04-08-2011, 01:55 PM
That is such a healthy response, Robin. Only, I can't bring myself to do it. My Dh is a tough guy and could care less about what anyone thinks...except me. he is very tender hearted and vulnerable when it comes to me and what I say. Again, in MY world, I give him the kudos for trying.

Robin in Colorado
04-08-2011, 02:11 PM
RJ, in your case, I'd smile and deal. I believe your DH *is* tender and thoughtful toward you.

But in my case, it would be a situation of "man casually heard a few words woman said, and later those words flashed across the brain screen and the opportunity to bring home a buffalo presented itself - even though woman had already defrosted wooly mammoth for dinner."


Kendall in GA
04-08-2011, 07:10 PM
Gulp!! :perplex: I was gasping reading your post. This situation would have initially sent me over the edge. :eek1: :eek1: :eek1: Honestly, I would have thought, "DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS, UNLESS I ASK!!!" :blush: (Things would have been complicated by the fact that I HATE surprises.) I know that it is an incredibly ungrateful attitude; but, it's real. Over time, I think (or hope) I would have enough maturity to put things in perspective and get over it.

I like things organized and symmetrical. (MY house is NOT that way due to living with 4 other people who really don't share my neurotic tendencies.)

Oh, my word!! That's exactly my situation :perplex:...I sooooooo get what you mean! I feel ya!! :group: ETA: I often jokingly say that it would be great if married couples could have his & her houses next door to each other. :lol:...Sort of! ;)

Alice R
04-08-2011, 07:37 PM
First, my husband is what Steve said and we've had a few blow ups about this "helping". So, there is no way in the lifetime Joe would attempt something like that without me standing there with a measuring tape and giving explicit directions. We've been there and done that. :eyes: Joe's motto now is "just tell me exactly what you want and I'll do it" ;)

If this happened to me, I'd probably yell. I'm sorry but that's what I'd do.I'm kind of picky how i like things done and that would've set me off bigtime. After some time, i'd calm down and apologize and ask my husband if any of it can be fixed or moved. If not, I'd deal with it.

I'm sorry this happened. These little adventures in marriage are not so fun. :eyes:

Dawn Gilmore
04-08-2011, 07:45 PM
Let's just say that my dh (finally) knows better than to try to "surprise" me with my projects. And the garden is most definitely MY project. Of course we've been married 20 years, and it's taken him that long to figure it out.

I did have to bite my tongue when he built my raised beds for my square foot garden nowhere near my specifications... and I can't reach the middle of them. :eyes: At least he finally built them.
Fortunately, with our move last summer, we had to dismantle the beds to bring them down here. So, when they are reassembled, they will be built to my dimensions!

Our problem was that I would do all the research, and have in mind exactly what I want, and then he would jump in and take over, and all of a sudden, it was NOT what I wanted.... because he didn't do the research. His may be perfectly square, with mitered corners, and beautiful, but still wrong.

I've got to get out in the yard and sort it out soon, or I'll miss my planting out date! Fortunately the garden area at this house is already clearly delineated. Now I just need to get out there and see what can be done with it.