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View Full Version : What do you do with brothers that fight/argue/bicker??



Alice R
04-08-2011, 01:10 PM
For example:
I am checking my e-mails and I hear crash, bang, yell. Alise tells me that Nathaniel tried to pass Noah in the hallway and Noah put himself in the way and Nathaniel (who is now 6 feet tall) "pushed him" aside. Noah, who was annoyed, gave him a slap on his back. Then I hear the yelling. I intervene and ask "why did you get into Nathaniel's way like that" and Noah tells me "well, he did it to me last night when I was unloading the dishwasher"

:eyes:

This isn't all day nor does it escalate. They are not brawling on the floor nor are they really screaming at each other. It's just this back and forth thing. It really drives me crazy and I don't like it. Period.

How do you discipline this? It's a cycle with them. He did this so he did that...I get so tired of hearing it. Sometimes I don't intervene and I let them deal with it. Sometimes I do try to intervene and straighten it out like a judge, sometimes I remove privileges and other times I just punish both of them without really caring how it started. It depends what it is, of course. We've talked and talked about it and I am beginning to think this is innate. :lol: They can recite which Bible verse this is offending. They KNOW what is wrong and why it is wrong. But yet they continue on....

Is this a brother thing that will eventually stop? Or will it escalate? I DON'T want that to happen at all.

They like each other, they play with each other, they defend each other to other kids but THIS happens and I just don't understand why it is necessary to act this way. :unsure: Is it a boy thing? :eek:

Rachel Jane
04-08-2011, 01:16 PM
duct tape them together until they co-operate.
It may not change anything, but it sure is funny for the parent to watch. :D
Ahem. Not that *I* would do such a thing...:lol:

Esther-Alabama
04-08-2011, 01:28 PM
This goes on between my boys, especially the two younger ones who are very close in age. It happens ALL day long.

My rule is NO hands on each other at all. I've tried talking and Bible verses and lessons and NOTHING helped.

Now, no matter who started what, I do not care. If hands were placed on another, punishment happens. I do not want to know who did what first or who is most at fault. I really do not care.

In the real world, whether scouts, public school, co-op classes...WHATEVER...it is not allowed for you to become physical with another human being. Therefore, it is not allowed at home.

Whatever is important to that child is used as punishment.

Punishment is swift, very stiff, and for my oldest once involved a writing out the law concerning assault and its punishment in real life.

They've all figured it out.

Alicia
04-08-2011, 02:00 PM
Yes, it is a brother thing, and it will eventually stop. My oldest two are two years apart, and they actually roomed together in college. :)

Rachael
04-08-2011, 02:29 PM
I think it's a sibling thing.

My youngest and oldest (brother and sister) stay at each other's throats all day long. It drives me nuts! I've become very short tempered with them and intolerant of their behavior.

Sorry I have no solutions.

Jennifer in VA
04-08-2011, 03:13 PM
duct tape them together until they co-operate.
It may not change anything, but it sure is funny for the parent to watch. :D
Ahem. Not that *I* would do such a thing...:lol:

Really RJ! I could see you using the really, pretty, girly colors on them!:roflol:

So, my boys are a bit younger, but what I found was taking away all screen time, books were screened before reading (not hard to do with an 11 & 8 yo), friends time was way cut back. They eventually learned to get along. They still pick on each other, but seem to enjoy hanging out with each other more now.

Rachel Jane
04-08-2011, 03:16 PM
I'll stop being fresh now.
I tell them if they have time to be mean, they have time to clean and then pour on the chores. I do like nice clean baseboards. Every now and again, those handprints on the walls coming down the stairs need to be washed away. The grass growing between the bricks out front needs to be removed. The window sills need vacuumed and wiped clean. Toilet scrubbing is always useful.

KarenF
04-08-2011, 03:25 PM
A missionary who spoke at our church stopped me when I was scolding DS for chasing and rough housing with other boys. He said, I read some where, and fully believe, that the aggressive physical contact is really how boys express that they like each other.

I'm going with that. But I am sure dealing with those little tifts gets old.

Alice R
04-08-2011, 04:52 PM
RJ, If I've really had enough, I make them hug. The looks on their faces is priceless. Hugging a python would be easier for them. It kinda cheers me up. :roflol: They probably hate that more than anything. I love it! :cool:


Today I had them write out "I will not hit my brother" 200 times. :eek:

Yep, I'm on bedrest and I'm cranky and they just pushed me too far. :lol:

Normally, I could (and would) load them up with chores but with me on bedrest, these two boys are running the house and I can't ask them to do more than what they are already doing.

I'm trying to think of a behavior system for them that addresses their "hot spots". Noah verbally instigates and Nathaniel totally over-reacts and is cranky, which Noah enjoys immensely. :eyes:

I'm glad to hear that there are boys out there who became good buddies once this horrible stage is over. I'm glad to hear it's probably a boy thing. It gives me some hope. :D

:group:

Candace C
04-08-2011, 05:34 PM
It definitely is NOT just a boy thing. Unfortunately. Ask me how I know. :lol: Ugggg...this is one of my BIGGEST parenting frustrations. ALL 3 of mine do this constantly with each other. They just pick and fight over the dumbest things!!

Jen in SC
04-08-2011, 06:01 PM
It definitely is NOT just a boy thing. Unfortunately. Ask me how I know. :lol: Ugggg...this is one of my BIGGEST parenting frustrations. ALL 3 of mine do this constantly with each other. They just pick and fight over the dumbest things!!

Agreed. It's been a problem with my GIRLS lately too. Ugh.

Tricia O
04-08-2011, 10:12 PM
I've been thinking about this with our kids as we have been dealing with this here too. I am thinking that sometimes it does them good to separate them. Send them all to different rooms to read a book or something. Our kids spend much more time together than kids who are separated by school all day long, and so I believe they do enjoy some time on their own, away from their siblings.

Rachael
04-08-2011, 11:35 PM
RJ, If I've really had enough, I make them hug. The looks on their faces is priceless. Hugging a python would be easier for them. It kinda cheers me up. :roflol: They probably hate that more than anything. I love it! :cool:




You are a cruel, cruel mama! My mom used to do that with my brother and I! That's just mean! :lol:

I never really got what my mom's problem was. She complained about our bickering all the time. Well, then I had kids. And now I KNOW what her problem was!!! :silly:

Christi in VA
04-09-2011, 07:37 AM
It definitely is NOT just a boy thing. Unfortunately. Ask me how I know. :lol: Ugggg...this is one of my BIGGEST parenting frustrations. ALL 3 of mine do this constantly with each other. They just pick and fight over the dumbest things!!

:yes:

Cori~OR
04-09-2011, 10:39 AM
I tell my boys to work it out respectfully or they both go to their rooms. If they hit each other they both immediately go to their rooms. If only one hits, the other has done *something* to provoke it, so they both go to their rooms.

Both of them get the consequence.

As a way to avoid their rooms in more minor bickering, I will suggest they try again and model some ways to talk about it before it escalates... They start to get the idea that if they don't get along and work it out, they sit in their rooms for a while. :lol:

If we are away from home and they cannot work it out, they get one "last chance" and then we leave. They are really good most of the time away from home!!!

At home, we are still working on it.... The less involved I am the better. I am there to they don't physically fight or verbally name-call or fight. The rest of it, they have to work out. I remind them about sharing and helping, because they will want the other boy to share or help in the near future too.

I also remind them love each other and are good brothers. I try to point out good more often than say, "you always fight" etc. That's what I was told about my brother, we fought too much, so I thought we always fought and didn't really like each other much....it was reinforced by our mother. I don't remember any good things... :sad:

Here is a good article too:

http://busysiblings.com/resources/10-ways-to-create-sibling-rivalry/

ETA: I also love Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs for solving sibling problems. :)