PDA

View Full Version : Ack! I need a guide to foster maturity in my dd.



Christy in NE
04-16-2011, 04:26 PM
I talked with her this morning, and tried to explain that getting older does not equal getting more mature. I explained that there are millions of people that are adults, yet stuck at the maturity age of 14.

I said all of this to her, trying to get her to understand that when I say she needs to act more mature, I am not rushing her to turn older and closer to adulthood-I am truly concerned about what seems to be a block in her maturity growth.

I understand things I can do to foster responsibility, and other good qualities.

What can I do to foster maturity?:unsure:

CyndiinOKC
04-16-2011, 09:06 PM
Hmmmm, first of all I should let you know that I'm not good with the sage advice, so if that's what you are looking for you may just want to wait for the next response you get. :lol:

Now, that being said, when we wish to foster certain traits/values in our kids we point them out in others. When our oldest was a pre-schooler we were at the lab on base and the nice lady gave Katy a sticker. She thanked her and as we walked away she said,"Well, that was very nice of her!" I laughed and told my friend about it. Friend said,"you know why she said that, right?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Friend went on, "you always point out when someone does something nice and you tell Katy about it".

Until that moment I never realized that I did that. Or that it was noticeable.

But,....even now Katy points out things like that. It's like when someone wants to teach their kids about how commercials manipulate consumers and they start those conversations with their kiddos.

I'm not saying it will be overnight: IT WON'T! But,...after awhile she may start pointing out those things.

To me a big part of maturity is delaying gratification. Because it is something that I have always struggled with it is something that I try to foster in MY kids so that they don't feel like they are growing up with that deficit.

I'm rambling. I hope that this makes sense. :unsure:

Christy in NE
04-16-2011, 11:26 PM
Hmmmm, first of all I should let you know that I'm not good with the sage advice, so if that's what you are looking for you may just want to wait for the next response you get. :lol:

Now, that being said, when we wish to foster certain traits/values in our kids we point them out in others. When our oldest was a pre-schooler we were at the lab on base and the nice lady gave Katy a sticker. She thanked her and as we walked away she said,"Well, that was very nice of her!" I laughed and told my friend about it. Friend said,"you know why she said that, right?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Friend went on, "you always point out when someone does something nice and you tell Katy about it".

Until that moment I never realized that I did that. Or that it was noticeable.

But,....even now Katy points out things like that. It's like when someone wants to teach their kids about how commercials manipulate consumers and they start those conversations with their kiddos.

I'm not saying it will be overnight: IT WON'T! But,...after awhile she may start pointing out those things.

To me a big part of maturity is delaying gratification. Because it is something that I have always struggled with it is something that I try to foster in MY kids so that they don't feel like they are growing up with that deficit.

I'm rambling. I hope that this makes sense. :unsure:

Thanks, Cyndi.:kiss:

You are a very gifted writer, having a way with words and expression, so ramble away!:lol:

I've been sitting here thinking about this "delaying gratification" thing and believe you are on to something.

I think I have set my dc up for failure in this regard. I can reason away that it is b'c of my own childhood, growing up poor and never the apple of anyone's eye....
But I have read too many child-rearing books and attended too many classes on Child Psychology(trying to figure out where my parents went wrong:lol:) to let myself off the hook so easily.

Dh and I(yes, he is part of this..)have parented out of guilt most of our parenting years. Trying to make up for me being ill, our dc not having involved or alive grandparents, dh working a lot, etc...

And now we have a young teenager who seems quite immature and I can't think back to a time when she experienced this delayed gratification thing.:eyes::eek:

Mind sharing what it looks like? If I look back to my own childhood, it was void of gratification. I mean, I can think of not giving in to my dc when they were 4yo, in the store begging, then throwing a fit b'c they didn't get the cookie they wanted. But, I'm not sure what this looks like for a teenager.:unsure:

CyndiinOKC
04-17-2011, 12:31 PM
I think that MOST of us parent out of guilt. I believe, IMHO, that that is the human default.

What does it look like, the teaching of delaying gratification? For me it meant and means talking about something that I want BUT WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE at this time, for whatever reason:

When Katy was pre-school age she would see something in a store and I would say, "that IS a neat X (toy, whatever), but let's just leave it here for now and go home and think about whether we really want it or not". Then the next day we would talk about it. "Do you remember that kitten you saw at the store?" (toy) "Do you think about it?" Usually she would have forgotten about it or it would have lost it's immediate appeal. HOnestly, I started doing this for ME, not her. I grew up with a mom who immediately bought things because she wanted them NOW (still does, actually) and I noticed how much stuff I had bought that was just Yard Sale Fodder. (to put it in Toy Story vernacular)

To my little ones I will say, "Yes, I want a cookie now, too, but I'm going to wait til after dinner and have it then". Or....when I make dessert (only once a week or so now) I will say, "you can only have one piece today. We are going to save that as a treat for after lunch". They are learning to delay that pleasure of having it. I think that most of our WANT is about the pleasure of having more than the pleasure of EATING it or playing with it, kwim?


ETA: Of course, this can backfire, too. I tend to say to myself,"when you are done with X task you can go to the bathroom" and then hours later I REALLY GOTTA GO because I've moved on to some other task. Some things should NOT be rewards!

ETA: Ok, what it looks like for a teenager. I have a 14 year old daughter, too. What it looks like for her is that I try to always say "yes", when I can to her requests. It just isn't always Yes WHEN she wants it, kwim? So, "yes, you can play with your DS/get on the computer/do whatever.....WHEN this task is finished". I want her to EARN it, not feel like it is always handed to her without requiring something from her. I had to teach myself delayed gratification. I don't want to handicap her that way and I DO think it was a handicap! Earn it, earn it, earn it. Some days will be bad. Hold firm. It will be fine. Eventually she will see. Even though we started her out that way we had times when we slipped and gave in too much. Then we had to go back to it. We have not been perfect, but, in the end, I believe that if you do it more than you DON'T do it.....she will benefit.

CyndiinOKC
04-17-2011, 01:13 PM
Instead of continueing to add on ETA's....

I think that modeling the behaviour you want to see is what I was trying to say. "I felt angry when...." The other day I talked through my feelings with Katy in regards to a broken friendship. "I felt frustrated by....I felt sad when....I know I did this wrong..." I want them to hear me say, "I know I did this wrong" or that I am frustrated/angry/sad/anxious and watch and see how we walk that out, work that through. I think that sometimes (many times?) either parents are upset when their kids have strong emotions or don't know how to handle those strong emotions. But, if parents would realize, "hey, I have those emotions, too and it is uncomfortable when I have to work through them". Many times we just silently deal with it and go on, but if our kids don't SEE that then how do they know how to deal with it when THEY have them? I think that we just expect them to suddenly mature and know how to "deal", but if they havn't been SHOWN how then it just seems impossible.

Alicia
04-17-2011, 03:16 PM
When you say she is not acting mature, what is she doing specifically that you feel is not mature?

Christy in NE
04-18-2011, 09:02 AM
I think that MOST of us parent out of guilt. I believe, IMHO, that that is the human default.

What does it look like, the teaching of delaying gratification? For me it meant and means talking about something that I want BUT WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE at this time, for whatever reason:

When Katy was pre-school age she would see something in a store and I would say, "that IS a neat X (toy, whatever), but let's just leave it here for now and go home and think about whether we really want it or not". Then the next day we would talk about it. "Do you remember that kitten you saw at the store?" (toy) "Do you think about it?" Usually she would have forgotten about it or it would have lost it's immediate appeal. HOnestly, I started doing this for ME, not her. I grew up with a mom who immediately bought things because she wanted them NOW (still does, actually) and I noticed how much stuff I had bought that was just Yard Sale Fodder. (to put it in Toy Story vernacular)

To my little ones I will say, "Yes, I want a cookie now, too, but I'm going to wait til after dinner and have it then". Or....when I make dessert (only once a week or so now) I will say, "you can only have one piece today. We are going to save that as a treat for after lunch". They are learning to delay that pleasure of having it. I think that most of our WANT is about the pleasure of having more than the pleasure of EATING it or playing with it, kwim?


ETA: Of course, this can backfire, too. I tend to say to myself,"when you are done with X task you can go to the bathroom" and then hours later I REALLY GOTTA GO because I've moved on to some other task. Some things should NOT be rewards!

ETA: Ok, what it looks like for a teenager. I have a 14 year old daughter, too. What it looks like for her is that I try to always say "yes", when I can to her requests. It just isn't always Yes WHEN she wants it, kwim? So, "yes, you can play with your DS/get on the computer/do whatever.....WHEN this task is finished". I want her to EARN it, not feel like it is always handed to her without requiring something from her. I had to teach myself delayed gratification. I don't want to handicap her that way and I DO think it was a handicap! Earn it, earn it, earn it. Some days will be bad. Hold firm. It will be fine. Eventually she will see. Even though we started her out that way we had times when we slipped and gave in too much. Then we had to go back to it. We have not been perfect, but, in the end, I believe that if you do it more than you DON'T do it.....she will benefit.

Thanks for detailing your explanation! Very helpful! This gives me such food for thought about the past year...Sigh.


Instead of continueing to add on ETA's....

I think that modeling the behaviour you want to see is what I was trying to say. "I felt angry when...." The other day I talked through my feelings with Katy in regards to a broken friendship. "I felt frustrated by....I felt sad when....I know I did this wrong..." I want them to hear me say, "I know I did this wrong" or that I am frustrated/angry/sad/anxious and watch and see how we walk that out, work that through. I think that sometimes (many times?) either parents are upset when their kids have strong emotions or don't know how to handle those strong emotions. But, if parents would realize, "hey, I have those emotions, too and it is uncomfortable when I have to work through them". Many times we just silently deal with it and go on, but if our kids don't SEE that then how do they know how to deal with it when THEY have them? I think that we just expect them to suddenly mature and know how to "deal", but if they havn't been SHOWN how then it just seems impossible.

Ah. Well, that may be part of the problem-this whole modeling thing you speak of!:eyes: I see that I practice that in regards to material things, but not relational things. You're good, Cyndi! Thank you!:group:


When you say she is not acting mature, what is she doing specifically that you feel is not mature?

Well, how much time do you have?:lol::blush::spin:

I think what we're seeing is just a bunch of little things being stacked one on top of another several times a day or week. I am not crafty with my words, but will try to throw out some examples...

-argues with ds-who is almost 5yrs younger. tattles on him, tries to catch him doing something wrong,goes into drama-overdrive if he does something she doesn't like. both of them have significant anxiety issues(with ds exhibiting some OCD) and dd is aware of what ds's triggers are-yet intentionally(or done in a manipulative way) she will present/bring up something to him. Ex-he is terrified of storms, and last week I came home from the store to find him in his room and she was at the table doing schoolwork. I ask him why he is in his room, and he said dd turned on the tv to the weather channel.(We were under severe weather warnings..)

what's odd, is that she babysits for dc his age and is LOVED by her clients. Yet, she doesn't show her own brother the same type of emotional protection she does these other little dc.

-she is very strong-willed(this will be awesome someday!) and insists on most things going her way. If they don't, there is drama-LOTS of drama.:eek:

-she refuses to "discuss" anything that makes her uncomfortable or nervous. Like planning for HS. She shuts down, and says it's too much stress and pressure to discuss it. We explain that 8th graders all over town are meeting with their academic counselors at the HS to formulate a plan for 9th grade-she sits across from us and says she'll do whatever we want her to. We want her input, and she refuses to give it.

Brain fog, so this is a small sampling. Maybe all of this is normal? I see that she is showing a rebellious spirit and not accepting authority too well-tho we are FAR from authoritarian parents.

nuff ramblings..