View Full Version : How Far Do You Go to Accomodate?

10-09-2011, 11:37 PM
My DS' condition is one that prevents him from handling changes- even good ones. Anytime I try to do something unscheduled, it throws him off. But I can't see scheduling every moment of our day either- especially since I'm very bad at doing so. I am trying, really trying, because I don't like meltdowns. But how far do you go to prevent a meltdown?

For instance, tonight my DD implied that they had not yet had a special treat/sweet that they are sometimes allowed to have. I assumed since she asked to have it that they hadn't already been served said sweet earlier in the day when under grandma's watch. Well, when I offer the sweet to DS, he honestly tells me that they've already had it. But, being a kid, asks if they can have it again to which I answered "no." This threw him off- expectation raised then not met.

It's partially my fault for offering the sweet, then saying "no." BUT, I didn't know that they had already had it and he knows it's a once a day thing. So I feel bad that he's upset and he feels bad for getting upset (which he handled pretty well considering). I did decide to eventually give them the sweet along with a lecture to DD about trying to double dip in future. I hate to see DS suffer and I know it's his disability that causes the problem, but I also know I can't always give in. :unsure:

10-12-2011, 03:56 PM
Not sure exactly what the issues are with your child, but I have the same questions as you with my middle son. He completely melts down when he hits certain points and cannot handle changes in his schedule or really much of anything that gets thrown at him. I guess my answer is that it depends on your child and on the situation. For me, I have learned after years of these meltdowns (and not knowing what was wrong, thinking he was just extremely stubborn and strong-willed) that sometimes he just can't help it. It is like he is on a channel and can't change it. A couple weeks ago he fell apart because he thought I said "no computer time today". What I really said was no computer for school that day. My dear boy fell apart, and would not listen to me. Even when I told him that he could have computer time, he was still in a rage. It was totally irrational. That is when I really, truly realized that he was not in control. The channel needed to be switched. His brain was stuck. Until it gets "unstuck" we can't move past it, and in fact the more I try the more entrenched he gets. In these times I feel like he has to be accomodated, because he is not capable of moving past his reaction.
Other times I might say what we are going to do (that's different or going to get a strong negative reaction), state why in a way that he can understand or just explain exactly what is going to happen, then back off and let him have his reaction. If I don't intervene, a lot of times he can process it, then move past it on his own. So it really just depends on the day, the situation, etc.
I am a total non-scheduler, not very structured by nature, disorganized person. But we have found that with my boys needs (I have two like this), it has made me basically have to structure everything. I structure the homeschool day, have morning routines, afternoon routines, evening routines, weekend routines... it has taken me awhile to work these all in to our life and I still am figuring it out, but it has helped a lot with our days.
I know how hard it is to try to navigate through anything that comes up in your day and the potential disruption that will happen. It is stressful!
If you want to talk more let me know. :)