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Debbie W
02-20-2012, 02:06 PM
I am tired of cleaning the house and just getting it clean and everyone else trashes it. They leave dirty dishes all over. Don't put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Leave towels draped over things. Don't put their things away and cause general clutter all over the house. I'm tired of riding herd over them to get them to help out even a smidge of the time. It's tiring and draining me! Plus my biggest pet peeve is that no matter how many times I ask no in the family will take their shoes off at the door!

I've shown them how much dirt and sand is tracked in over one day or for just a few hours when no one takes their shoes off and it falls on deaf ears. I've told them, kids and dh alike, that it feels like they don't care when they can see how much extra work it causes me and they still do it anyway.

I've yelled, begged and pleaded to no avail. I've told them no wife and mother should have to sweep up that much dirt everyday. I'm angry and fed up and feeling pretty used. Is that all I am is a maid service?

So no more clean house, clean clothes, hot meals, tidy house or anything else until things change around here. Why am I telling you all this? Because I swear you all are the ony ones who will listen to me.

Gitel in nj
02-20-2012, 02:26 PM
My mother did this when I was growing up...it was the most AWFUL thing. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. :sad: even though I know where she (and you now) were coming from.

Is it possible that your expectations are too high? Does your home need to be spotless or can you maybe relax your standards?

I don't know. All I remember is how awful it made me feel that my mom would do nothing for me...nothing! It is such a passive aggressive act...Please reconsider. :sad:

Debbie W
02-20-2012, 02:51 PM
Nope my standards are not too high. They are exactly what my family likes.......as long as I am the one doing the cleaning. If I let up they notice, but they are loath to help out. If one of the dogs pees on the floor they will literally walk around it and leave it until I clean it up.

I don't think it is too much to ask my kids and my dh on his days off to pitch in and help. When I say how much sand and dirt I sweep up several times a day I am talking full dustpans full!

I am so tired of messes being made and no one will clean up their own messes. I don't think that's too much to ask. Obviously I am going to have to feed and take care of my three year old, but my eleven year old and my dh are not helpless guests in this home.

I pretty much feel that when someone asks for cooperation and someone has the ability to comply they ought to. I go out of my way to do things for my family when they ask for help I just feel they should return the favor.

Cleaning folded laundry that I wash, dry and fold and give to my dd to simply put away and then I later find it on her closet floor or under her bed makes me feel trampled on. That they don't care and they have taken for granted what I do for them. Is it too much to ask for a little consideration and appreciation?

What if I WAS one of those wives and mother's who cares mother for herself than her family. What if they never had clean clothes, or hot meals, or a clean house? What if I never made sure thier hair was washed and they were taken to the dentist or the doctor when they needed to go.

Nope I don't think my standards are even a tad too high. I'm not talking squeaky clean, eat off the floory shiney and I'm certainly not talking show place clean. I'm just talking normal picked up home and help with normal everyday chores. I'm talking throwing your banana peel in the trash after you eat the banana. I'm talking putting your dirty clothes in the hamper and not in front or on top on it. I'm talking caring enough to listen to me and not ignoring every request I make.

Good heavens I'm not asking for the moon. Just a little cooperation and help.

CJ
02-20-2012, 02:51 PM
:group: Debbie!

I truly know how you feel. I went on strike once (except food and safety) around 2005 and it lasted several days. I just crashed and couldn't play maid anymore on top of everything else. I had just had my 5th child and people left their stuff everywhere all the time and never cleaned something up on their own without being reminded, nagged, or asked.

I think a better solution to going on strike is to go BY YOURSELF to visit family or friends in another town. That way, everyone sees what it takes to keep the house running, but you're not there fuming and miserable. :lol:

When my youngest turned 2, my mom took me on a trip for 5 days. I had never been away from the kids by myself and it was such a treat. When I got home, the house looked pretty good, the kids were all healthy and safe and my dh was very very very very very very happy to see me. He now knew what it took to get thru 5 days with 5 children. Now he does dishes and he does laundry and he cooks dinner 1-3 times a week. I know most husbands would not step up like this and I count my blessings every day.:D

I truly truly HOPE HOPE HOPE that something good comes from this!!! You are in my thoughts and I would take you out for dinner if I could....
:group:

Ginger Lynn
02-20-2012, 02:58 PM
Debbie~

I know just how you feel. We I get this way, I have to stop and think that God has made me a wife and a mom and along with those two roles comes the jobs you are talking about having to do. Then I have to remind myself that I need to do these jobs the best I can for God and not for any one else. When I remember that I am doing them for Him, I don't get so upset. Hope that made sense.

Cari
02-20-2012, 03:14 PM
:group::group:

Alice R
02-20-2012, 03:14 PM
I don't think it's passive aggressive. I think it's called "reality wake up". :lol:

sometimes people don't realize how much work a person does until they are gone. or refusing to do it. ;)

i hear ya...

Nancy Ann
02-20-2012, 03:27 PM
I do get the frustration. I just felt this last night. The whole house was clean in the morning and by afternoon it seemed every room was messed up.

I have a little toddler running around the house and that makes up for a lot of the mess. My 9 year old son just leaves dishes and stuff around too. I think a lot of this is kids behavior and they don't get it and probably won't until they are older and have there own house to care for. I also think it requires constant training. I give my son chores to do and am always reminding him about taking in his dishes and cleaning up after himself. I just think with kids it is a constant teaching. I don't think going on strike would be helpful but it may cause a lot of hurt feelings. I don't think kids really have the ability to understand this on the same level as us adults do. I think we just have to endure and keep training our children. We have to keep saying over and over things like "take your dirty dishes in to the kitchen, put away your clothes, throw your trash away!!"

It's hard I know.

I remember as a child I would constantly dig up the bricks that made up our sidewalk so I could build with them. My mother would constantly tell me not to do it and how much work it was to put the bricks back in. I still did it. I even remember her spending several days putting all the bricks in and make the sidewalk look nice. Guess what I did. I pulled them up again!! I was a sensitive and sweet child and did not mean to hurt my mom. I really just didn't get it. To me I was just really wrapped up in wanting those bricks to build forts with. Now as an adult I feel horrible that I did this!! There was just no way for me to get it as a kid. She probably should have punished me, grounded me or something and that would have worked. Kids are born to be rather self centered and we have to teach them to think of others.

Cara in WA
02-20-2012, 03:28 PM
:group: Debbie :group:

Picking up trash is a reasonable expectation. Hoping your family 'gets it' quickly.

Lisa in Ft. Worth, T
02-20-2012, 03:40 PM
:group: Debbie :group:

Picking up trash is a reasonable expectation. Hoping your family 'gets it' quickly.

So is not dragging in FULL DUSTPANS of dirt/sand. I agree whole-heartedly with Alice. It's not passive aggressive at all but rather, natural consequences. That is ridiculous to make ANY ONE person do all of that just because they didn't want to do xyz. People get burned out and those are unrealistic expectations set on you, Debbie.

I'm going to pray for their hearts right now, Debbie. May you see real and loving changes in your family's attitudes.

CINDY LB OH
02-20-2012, 04:06 PM
I absolutely understand as well. I don't blame you for "quitting". I think natural consequences are fitting, and there is nothing wrong with teaching some reality.

I also find banana peels and apple cores laying around. And the sad thing is, they are usually from my dh, which makes me even madder.

It's time to set some limits. Stop washing their clothes. I did. If they are fully capable of doing it themselves, then have them start doing their own laundry. My girls and dh do all their own laundry. I do mine and ds13's and ds4's. If they refuse to take their shoes off, then hand them the broom and the dust pan.

I also stopped looking for things dh misplaces simply because he can't put them away. Like his wallet, or his keys, etc. He has learned to not even ask me anymore, but if I've seen them I'll tell him where it is, but I won't put it away for him. Has he gotten better about keeping track of his stuff? Some. But he still misplaces things on a regular basis simply because he doesn't put stuff away when he finished. It drives me nuts. I determined that I'm not responsible for his things.

I don't think it's unloving to set limits. Decide where you want to start and stick to it.

Rachael
02-20-2012, 04:19 PM
:group:

Something has to be done, and if you think a strike might help, by all means, do it!

You aren't doing your family any favors by enabling them to be slobs. They need to not only have life skills, but use them! I feel sorry for your son's future wife. Can you imagine her disappointment when she realizes her husband is too lazy and selfish to help her? I'm betting you can! :lol:

It's always a struggle, I think. Housework can be overwhelming even when you family is willing to help. If they aren't... Ugh! :group:

CJ
02-20-2012, 04:24 PM
Cindy's right - now that I think about it. That's what changed. My kids do their own laundry (ages 7 and up). They each have nights to load the dishwasher and run it. They each have a night to cook dinner. They each have a section of the house to keep clean and decluttered. And I got these ideas from other mom's here on the FIAR boards. :clap:

That's why things are so much better than they were several years ago. "Each one must carry his own load" - I wanted us to be a team and share in the needs of our home and I wanted my kids to know these things so they will be able to take care of their own houses.

Yes, I do the majority and I'm working with my kids all the time, but it's unloving to expect me to do it all by myself and alone. "Do unto others..." etc. But what really helped me to keep from completely quitting and running into the mountains screaming was Proverbs 14:7.
:D

Gitel in nj
02-20-2012, 04:36 PM
I have no problem with limits or kids doing their own laundry..I do have a problem with a mom that goes on complete strike.

I lived it from the kid perspective and I can tell you that it still makes me want to cry when I think about it. :sad: Perhaps my mom was more extreme because she left a note that she was on strike and then left our home for 3 days without telling us where she was going or when she would be back.When she returned the only thing she would say is "sorry, I'm on strike, figure it out yourself" it was awful and yes...it is very passive aggressive! I ultimately had to BEG her pretty much groveling to stop. My brother and father standing behind me. I hated my mom for a very long time for doing this. Sure, I did more stuff, but our relationship was very damaged...

so, for those of you who think it is a learning experience--it may very well be, but it might not be the thing you want your kid to remember about you.

Say what you will...do what you will. But think about it.

And one more thing, if you strike and they do not step up to the plate, then what??

Marcia
02-20-2012, 05:06 PM
I think they need to help. Period! Why are you doing all of this? You need to tell them what they are to do, and stick to your guns. There needs to be consequences for not doing what you asked. They have been trained that you will do it all. It's time for that to stop. It's work to follow through with consequences, but they need to learn to clean up after themselves~for your sake and theirs.

Kendra AU
02-20-2012, 05:34 PM
:group: :group: I feel your pain. I came back from my early morning walk to sleeping people, who once roused, trashed the kitchen and walked off. They were quickly called back and all {even the biggest man person} asked to put away what they used so I could make the biggest ma person's lunch & then take him to work.

I'm just gonna say that I notice when things get "rough" in this area it's my lack of follow through in regards to training my boys. Don't get me wrong, they KNOW how to do it. They CAN do it. They show this daily when they want to. Like yesterday when I was incredibly dizzy with a wicked migraine. My kids not only did their chores, and well, but they pitched in and did mine without being asked.

However, I've noticed two things. 1, I can't slack off correcting them on the keeping up of our home. 2, I have to praise them exceedingly well when they do take the effort or do an amazing job. Oh, and 3, When they do a half job I have to mix the pain with the good.. like, "Wow, J that is the best bed making you've ever done, I'm impressed! Do you think you could just tidy up your clothes so your closet looks as awesome as the rest of your room?" ;)

Unfortunately, I like to just get in and get it done. Which means I'm not very good at following the above advise. Which means I tend to get in, get it done, & hurt the ones I love with my careless words and attitude. :unsure: I'm working on it..

Oh, and I've also noticed one thing that really helps.. we ALL do chores at the same time! Usually in the am, all though it's suppose to be evening, but we're too busy having fun then. :lol: So, each morning after breakfast the kids and I all set about our chores. No one is enjoying free time because we're all working which means they are less apt to feel "cheated" and "overworked". On the weekends when dh is home he knows the routine and will instantly say, "What can I do to help?" I think he REALLY hates it when I say, "Nothing, we'll clean up tomorrow and have a break today." :lol:

Gitel in nj
02-20-2012, 06:03 PM
I've been thinking about this a LOT.

I think that there is very huge difference between going on strike, which my mom did and which is what Debbie says she is doing, vs. not being able to do it all yourself and asking for help and giving natural consequences.

A strike means you do no work. You just stop and you hope they step up to the plate and start doing what you want. It is very negative behavior. Additionally, if they don't step up, you are put in an awkward position. Do you leave, do you just let it continue or do you step up and take over again..How long can you live under siege and if you do start working again it teaches them if you wait long enough mom will (ultimately) do it.

Now, natural consequences and boundaries are different, they are positive. You don't just stop doing everything. You might stop doing laundry--after first telling them that if they don't put the stuff you wash away they will do it themselves. Then if they don't put it away you take them to the washing machine, show them how to do the wash, and let em at it. Of course you cannot complain if they don't do it as often as you do or as well
Since dirt coming in the house is an issue you make sure that shoes are off...if that means escorting a child back to the door to take their shoes off so be it. Then you make said child get the broom and sweep up the mess--before they go do anything else.

This is positive learning. I can assure you that going on strike--really going on strike--is very negative and counter productive. It just is..and if you cannot tell I have very strong feelings about this. It was one of the most remarkably negative moments of my childhood!

Rachael
02-20-2012, 06:05 PM
Gitel, that's so sad. Debbie's not talking about walking out on her family, but rather doing as much work as they do around the home, which is to say, none, other than to care for the little one that should not reasonably be helping out.

Gitel in nj
02-20-2012, 06:11 PM
Gitel, that's so sad. Debbie's not talking about walking out on her family, but rather doing as much work as they do around the home, which is to say, none, other than to care for the little one that should not reasonably be helping out.

Rachel, does that mean she won't cook dinner or get groceries or take her daughter to any of her activities? Because that's what a strike means--you just stop doing it all. ALL. At least that is what a strike meant in my house. 6 days! You know what I learned? I learned to do all the things my mom wanted us to do but I also learned (right or wrong) how mean and manipulative my mom was. Isn't that sad?

It took a long time to right that. Mom and I are great friends now--except I hate thinking about when she went on strike. This whole thread is making me anxious and sad. I dont want that for Debbie's daughters or for Debbie.

Rachael
02-20-2012, 06:41 PM
Again, I'd say walking out on the family without telling you where she was going or anything is a much bigger deal than refusing to continue to be the maid for a bunch of people that are choosing to ignore her requests to help and behave in a slobbish manner. But that's my opinion. Only you can know what hurt you more.

What's wrong with not cooking dinner? People won't starve. Surely the cupboards aren't bare. Yes, you may be stuck with some weird concoctions, but perhaps that will give her kids and DH some appreciation for the work she does.

What's wrong with not doing laundry when people can't be bothered to put it in the hamper? What's wrong with leaving their trash for them to pick up?

What's really wrong in this picture is that her family refuses to help her despite her numerous requests. I don't think there is anything emotionally harmful about a mother being human and saying, "ENOUGH! I am tired of doing and doing without respect muchless appreciation." That's not mean and manipulative, IMO.

Are there better ways to do it? Probably, but it sounds like Debbie's tried other ways, and her family is being outright disrespectful by ignoring her requests. I would not drive my child to activities for that outright disrespect of me as a person. It is a natural consequence that when you are treated rudely or disrespectfully that you lose the desire to continue to do for the person that treats you that way.

I think an otherwise healthy relationship can easily survive a mom strike (not abandonment, mind you)- and it can easily become funny family lore rather than painful to think about. At this point, I'm more concerned about the disrespect that her family is showing her than her strike in terms of their relationship. Sometime is wrong in that equation.

Nancy Ann
02-20-2012, 07:16 PM
When it was only myself and my younger sister living at home my mother did eveything for my younger sister. Picked up after her, made her meals, laundry...everything! Now my sister has her own apartment and I thought that she would learn to take care of stuff on her own but her place is a huge mess and disgusting!

I really think children need training and guidance. We need to keep after them through discipline and perseverance. It is really hard but I think that is a better way than to just stop doing things. If the house is in chaos than it's time to organize and put things in order and make people accountable through chore lists and responsibility charts and consequences for not doing there share like no tv or going to fun places.

I am sorry if this thread is discouraging for you Debbie. :group::group: I really do understand and feel your frustration. :group::group:

Amanda in RI
02-20-2012, 07:38 PM
Again, I'd say walking out on the family without telling you where she was going or anything is a much bigger deal than refusing to continue to be the maid for a bunch of people that are choosing to ignore her requests to help and behave in a slobbish manner. But that's my opinion. Only you can know what hurt you more.

What's wrong with not cooking dinner? People won't starve. Surely the cupboards aren't bare. Yes, you may be stuck with some weird concoctions, but perhaps that will give her kids and DH some appreciation for the work she does.

What's wrong with not doing laundry when people can't be bothered to put it in the hamper? What's wrong with leaving their trash for them to pick up?

What's really wrong in this picture is that her family refuses to help her despite her numerous requests. I don't think there is anything emotionally harmful about a mother being human and saying, "ENOUGH! I am tired of doing and doing without respect muchless appreciation." That's not mean and manipulative, IMO.

Are there better ways to do it? Probably, but it sounds like Debbie's tried other ways, and her family is being outright disrespectful by ignoring her requests. I would not drive my child to activities for that outright disrespect of me as a person. It is a natural consequence that when you are treated rudely or disrespectfully that you lose the desire to continue to do for the person that treats you that way.

I think an otherwise healthy relationship can easily survive a mom strike (not abandonment, mind you)- and it can easily become funny family lore rather than painful to think about. At this point, I'm more concerned about the disrespect that her family is showing her than her strike in terms of their relationship. Sometime is wrong in that equation.

I completely agree with you, Rachael. :thumb:

Gitel in nj
02-20-2012, 07:39 PM
I really think children need training and guidance. We need to keep after them through discipline and perseverance. It is really hard but I think that is a better way than to just stop doing things. If the house is in chaos than it's time to organize and put things in order and make people accountable through chore lists and responsibility charts and consequences for not doing there share like no tv or going to fun places.

I am sorry if this thread is discouraging for you Debbie. :group::group: I really do understand and feel your frustration. :group::group:

Yes..I agree. One thing I will say is that prior to mom's strike she never taught us how to do any of the things she wanted done. She just said, clean your room, or sweep the floor...and mostly we did--just not to her expectations. This frustrated her and made her feel we were not doing what she asked.

i am not saying this is what you are doing Debbie and by the way,
I too feel your pain, it's just that I remember the pain I felt as a young teen too...

I need to bow out now...Good luck. I hope it works out the way you want. Really I do. :group: :group: :group:

Debbie W
02-20-2012, 09:30 PM
Yes..I agree. One thing I will say is that prior to mom's strike she never taught us how to do any of the things she wanted done. She just said, clean your room, or sweep the floor...and mostly we did--just not to her expectations. This frustrated her and made her feel we were not doing what she asked.

i am not saying this is what you are doing Debbie and by the way,
I too feel your pain, it's just that I remember the pain I felt as a young teen too...

I need to bow out now...Good luck. I hope it works out the way you want. Really I do. :group: :group: :group:

Gitel, my dd and dh know how to do chores they just won't pitch in and help out. I have worked along side my dd and taught her how to do the chores I ask her to do. I know she knows how. I certainly know my dh knows how. I am just worn out carrying the whole load. I can't keep it up.

My dh works hard when he is at his job, but on his two weeks off he does very very little around the place. He tends toward setting a poor example of keeping his things put away or throwing away his trash or putting his clothing away or in the hamper etc.

My family could be pitching in, but instead they are creating more work for me and no matter how many times I have requested shoes be taken off at the door or dirty dishes placed in the sink or trash be picked up and thrown away or other common, normal expectations those requests fall on deaf ears.

I think this is a very sensative subject for you because of your past history and what you saw as a negative experience as a teen. I think it's blurring how you see my situation.

I am obviously going to purchase groceries and there is always something simple my dd and dh can fix to eat. They know how to run the washer and dryer and other appliances.

MY family isn't hearing me when I tell them how tired I am and would they please pitch in. They are totally discounting me and the exhaustion I feel and I do feel disrespected.

I am not the type to play the queen of the house while my family slaves away trying to make me happy. I do think part of the problem is that my dh is very lenient where our dd is concerned. He allows her to get by with things and it's left to me to enforce things like chores and constantly reminding her to do things.

I do understand kids are kids. OH boy do I understand that. I am living with the fact everyday, but I can't help but feel my dh could help out more in this area at least when he's home than he does. For example he can see our dd come in from outside track in mud and not clean it up and never redirect her to clean it up. Just leave it for me to deal with.

He also has been known to track in mud and leave it for me to clean up. Sandy footprints across the rug, tools left in the kitchen, food dropped on the floor etc. These are things I feel an adult shouldn't have to be told to take care of when they make the mess. Even an eleven year old should know better, but I'm willing to give her some leeway up to a point. But how many times in one day am I going to have to repeat myself?

I don't know what todo at this point to get my family to hear me and understand when I tell ask them to help out and how exhausted I am. I sometimes think that if I collapsed from exhaustion it still wouldn't register with them.

Rebe
02-20-2012, 09:52 PM
Debbie, I don't know what you can do about a messy husband. :unsure: I am blessed with a neat husband (although it's not always a blessing -- even though it sounds great, I suppose!).

But with my kids, yes, I have to tell them OVER and OVER and OVER to do things until I think I'll go crazy from the repetition. But when I see something they need to do (feed the pets, clean up a mess, take something to their room, sweep better than they did, put their shoes in the box by the door, etc., etc., etc. :eyes: ) -- I call them in right then, no matter what they're doing, and have them do it. I rarely do it for them. It doesn't take too many times of being interrupted from their game or their book or their computer time to do a chore that they actually might remember it the next time.

The other thing I do is charge them for repeatedly "forgetting" to do things. Yes, real money. :yes: Not much, but if I've told them a thousand times and it's something they're supposed to do every day (wash the spoon and throw away the can after you feed the cat, don't leave it all sitting on the counter; or put the bath mat over the rod and don't leave it for me to pick up), they get a tally mark on a chart I keep and they owe me money. I do this with my teens and it has worked GREAT. They DO NOT forget if it's going to cost them. I think my 10yo may be too young for this method, but it works well with my teens.

Just wanted to throw two ideas out there that work (at least as well as anything works) around here. I feel your frustration. But you can train them, it just takes a long, long time. I see very slow progress around here. V-E-R-Y s-l-o-w.

(You said you tell them you are tired and would they please pitch in. I have tried that method in the past. It didn't work. You'd think they'd feel guilty or feel sorry for you, but they simply don't. At least mine don't. So I quit that method and started the ones above, with much more success.)

Kendra AU
02-21-2012, 01:10 AM
Debbie, I don't know what you can do about a messy husband. :unsure: I am blessed with a neat husband (although it's not always a blessing -- even though it sounds great, I suppose!).

I'm married to a messy husband, but over the year's he's gotten better. I've learned to respect his specific areas where his mess is his safe place, & he's learned that the whole house is probably not best for dumping things in. :lol: ;)

Alice R
02-21-2012, 09:50 AM
Gitel, I think what happened with your mom was a lot more involved than housework and helping out. A mom doesn't walk out on her children and cut off all contact for numerous days because she is upset that no one helped her clean up dishes. Something waaaay more was going on there. Walking out on your family like that is cruel.

I refused to clean up last week. Everything was a mess and I cleaned up nothing for a few days until someone said "the living room is a mess" and "the hallway has clothes everywhere, someone is gonna trip"

I said "really?" :eyes: "gee maybe someone should think about putting away the clothes"

My husband got the point and got on the kids to help out more. Sometimes people forget how much work goes into keeping a home and family running smoothly.

Tracy-chi
02-21-2012, 11:02 AM
MY family isn't hearing me when I tell them how tired I am and would they please pitch in. They are totally discounting me and the exhaustion I feel and I do feel disrespected.


:group:

on the whole topic, this isn't easy to admit, but as mothers we also play a role in this situation. Instead of allowing our kids to lose their shoes (misplaced when not in right area) or allow their toys to get broken from improper use we swoop in & rescue them. We are allowing ourselves to become exhausted. By not requiring our family members to follow through. By not allowing our kids to fail, we have caused heaps of work for ourselves.
If i was in the situation to "strike" i might first have a family meeting & admit my responsibility into the mess. I have allowed them to not clean up after themselves, I have enabled it. Then i would let them know that natural consequences of a "mom strike" I might say, I will only clean the kitchen after the meals, it is your responsibility to in between meals to place your dishes in the dishwasher. When they don't (& they continue to leave dirty dishes around the house-the natural consequence of not having clean dishes to eat on will occur- i can almost picture kids having to use coffee mugs to eat spaghetti) or i might say from now on- you are responsible for laundry duty. It would take a lot for me to sit on my hands & not step in, but eventually they will either choose to do laundry or live in dirty smelly clothes. it's their choice. (i also have littles, so a strike in our house might be defined or looking differently than other homes)
I think if i were to go on strike I would have to really be aware of not nagging or commenting. allowing these natural consequences to occur.

On the other side of the striking idea is an idea of partnering with each family member to complete a chore. Maybe assign a different kid to help with dinner duty each day. same thing with laundry. Or even one person is in charge of all the dirty dishes left all over the house one day a week.

either way, I agree we, as moms, can NOT shoulder all the responsibility of the house. I love being a home-maker (I never picture myself saying that EVER) But i also feel strongly that home making is also about leading our children to adult hood. & that's part of home-making i adore! I love cooking beside my kids, watching them put away their laundry. etc.

Heather W
02-21-2012, 11:36 AM
Hey Debbie...have you ever read Little Women?

There is a chapter in there about just this sort of thing when the girls are home from their work outside the home and decide that they want a total vacation for the week. Marmee tries to convince them otherwise, but in the end she grants them their wish. They did nothing but whatever they wanted the whole week while Marmee and Hannah did their chores as well as their own.

She also gives the housekeeper Saturday off and chooses to take her own day off as well. In the end, the girls all have to fend for themselves and they are totally weirded out by their mom taking a day off too.

The chapter is called Experiments and it's Chapter 11. Totally worth a good read friend!

Marcia
02-21-2012, 11:37 AM
:group:

on the whole topic, this isn't easy to admit, but as mothers we also play a role in this situation. Instead of allowing our kids to lose their shoes (misplaced when not in right area) or allow their toys to get broken from improper use we swoop in & rescue them. We are allowing ourselves to become exhausted. By not requiring our family members to follow through. By not allowing our kids to fail, we have caused heaps of work for ourselves.
If i was in the situation to "strike" i might first have a family meeting & admit my responsibility into the mess. I have allowed them to not clean up after themselves, I have enabled it. Then i would let them know that natural consequences of a "mom strike" I might say, I will only clean the kitchen after the meals, it is your responsibility to in between meals to place your dishes in the dishwasher. When they don't (& they continue to leave dirty dishes around the house-the natural consequence of not having clean dishes to eat on will occur- i can almost picture kids having to use coffee mugs to eat spaghetti) or i might say from now on- you are responsible for laundry duty. It would take a lot for me to sit on my hands & not step in, but eventually they will either choose to do laundry or live in dirty smelly clothes. it's their choice. (i also have littles, so a strike in our house might be defined or looking differently than other homes)
I think if i were to go on strike I would have to really be aware of not nagging or commenting. allowing these natural consequences to occur.

On the other side of the striking idea is an idea of partnering with each family member to complete a chore. Maybe assign a different kid to help with dinner duty each day. same thing with laundry. Or even one person is in charge of all the dirty dishes left all over the house one day a week.

either way, I agree we, as moms, can NOT shoulder all the responsibility of the house. I love being a home-maker (I never picture myself saying that EVER) But i also feel strongly that home making is also about leading our children to adult hood. & that's part of home-making i adore! I love cooking beside my kids, watching them put away their laundry. etc.


:yes: Great advice!

Sheri
02-21-2012, 12:13 PM
Ugh, it can be frustrating can't it?!

I tend to stand up a few times a day and yell "5 minute clean...living room...NOW!"

LOL, it really works!

Also if they don't do something I just call them back. Call them back from friend's houses. From outside. From bed. In fact this morning Mike got up at 5 am to see that Dylan and Madi didn't clean the kitchen last night so he woke them up and made them do it at 5 am! I bet they won't do that again (for a good week)

I hope whatever you do it works for you Debbie and you don't have a huge mess to clean at the end of your strike!

Gitel in nj
02-21-2012, 12:41 PM
:group:

on the whole topic, this isn't easy to admit, but as mothers we also play a role in this situation. Instead of allowing our kids to lose their shoes (misplaced when not in right area) or allow their toys to get broken from improper use we swoop in & rescue them. We are allowing ourselves to become exhausted. By not requiring our family members to follow through. By not allowing our kids to fail, we have caused heaps of work for ourselves.
If i was in the situation to "strike" i might first have a family meeting & admit my responsibility into the mess. I have allowed them to not clean up after themselves, I have enabled it. Then i would let them know that natural consequences of a "mom strike" I might say, I will only clean the kitchen after the meals, it is your responsibility to in between meals to place your dishes in the dishwasher. When they don't (& they continue to leave dirty dishes around the house-the natural consequence of not having clean dishes to eat on will occur- i can almost picture kids having to use coffee mugs to eat spaghetti) or i might say from now on- you are responsible for laundry duty. It would take a lot for me to sit on my hands & not step in, but eventually they will either choose to do laundry or live in dirty smelly clothes. it's their choice. (i also have littles, so a strike in our house might be defined or looking differently than other homes)
I think if i were to go on strike I would have to really be aware of not nagging or commenting. allowing these natural consequences to occur.

On the other side of the striking idea is an idea of partnering with each family member to complete a chore. Maybe assign a different kid to help with dinner duty each day. same thing with laundry. Or even one person is in charge of all the dirty dishes left all over the house one day a week.

either way, I agree we, as moms, can NOT shoulder all the responsibility of the house. I love being a home-maker (I never picture myself saying that EVER) But i also feel strongly that home making is also about leading our children to adult hood. & that's part of home-making i adore! I love cooking beside my kids, watching them put away their laundry. etc.

:yes:


Ugh, it can be frustrating can't it?!

I tend to stand up a few times a day and yell "5 minute clean...living room...NOW!"

LOL, it really works!

Also if they don't do something I just call them back. Call them back from friend's houses. From outside. From bed. In fact this morning Mike got up at 5 am to see that Dylan and Madi didn't clean the kitchen last night so he woke them up and made them do it at 5 am! I bet they won't do that again (for a good week)

I hope whatever you do it works for you Debbie and you don't have a huge mess to clean at the end of your strike!

DOUBLE :yes:


Just to be clear here..I am not saying that you should be a doormat. What I am saying is that striking is negative, and will not work in the long run. Yeah, I know that my mom walking out was part of what made me so upset, but not interacting with your family, in my opinion, is not--in the end--going to get the desired results. You may win the battle but I doubt you will win the war. Many of the woman (not just these two) have suggested much more positive solutions that involve no longer accepting doing all the work but that are just less harsh.

Lastly, there is a difference between husbands not helping and children. If you read Debbie's recent post it appears (to me) that her DH is the biggest culprit...and the girls are just following along. This needs to be addressed between them or resentment in both directions is going to fester.

I am not trying to be negative towards Debbie, far from it. I totally understand, I have a husband and son too. I pick up all sorts of things around our house and get annoyed too...I get it. I do.

TinaM
02-21-2012, 06:30 PM
I think it will always be a constant battle. I feel for you b/c we go through that time and time again. I will call them inside from playing, from reading a book, watching tv, playing the computer, etc, if they havent done their chores. Also, the mess will just sit there until they do it and they will do it. There's no question about that. We're a team and every member is vital. It's not fair to allow the other members do your share in the housework just because you dont feel like it or b/c it's hard. I constantly have to remind them to do their chores every.single.day. But, it gets done and their help is a big deal. I pray you get through this!!

Debbie W
02-21-2012, 09:01 PM
Okay here is what has happened since the other day. My dh low and behold took off his boots when he came inside today and put on some tennis shoes he had by the front door.

He swept the kitchen when I asked him. McKenna cleaned the house. The living room, dining room, hall and bathroom. She was suppose to include her room, but it didn't get done. The cleaning wasn't perfect, but she did it and it was more than I usually ask her to do. That was a LOT of picking up and because it was more than her usual chores I paid her for her extra work.

Will this continue this way? I really don't know. Time will tell. As for discussing things with my dh that is a sort of sore point. He is more the type to let me talk and not give any input or tell me how he see's things. It can make for misunderstandings and miscommunication especially since the communication has a huge gap. Can we say frustration?

I think yesterday was sort of a turning point. I had worked outside with my dh for a good portion of the day. By 3pm I was exhausted and sick of being in the wind. I was dirty and needed a shower. So I came in told my dh and the girls that I was taking a shower. Then I told them I was exhausted and was taking a nap because I needed one. That it had been so long since I had taken a nap I couldn't remember the last time.

I went to the bedroom and closed the door and lay down. Almost immediately I heard a fracus erupt between the girls and here came McLarin. I told her she needed a nap too and to crawl up on the bed and take a nap with me which she did. I slept solidly for over four hours!

When I got up my dh and the girls were watching tv. The girls had ate a sandwich, dh was eating a salad he fixed himself and the girls were getting ready to fix some popcorn. Which they shared with me.

I tell you it was glorious to be allowed to nap for over four hours! I can tell I am still tired, but that nap did wonders. I think I am going to make it a habit to nap with McLarin when she naps.

I'm hoping things are going to change for the better. I'm kind of holding my breath and waiting to see. I've seen things get better for awhile before and then my family reverts back to their old ways. Mainly my dh. There were some things that obviously need to be worked on. I'm not his mother. His mother can be a very giving and generous person in some areas, but I feel she didn't do as good of a job raising her ds's to understand and be helpful around the house.

My dh came from a family of all boys. No sisters. They took the trash out and that was about it. I do believe him not having sisters made it harder for him to relate to girls and women and how they feel and see things because he lacked that give and take from sisters growing up.

Gitel I hope you understand, I hope all of you understand, I never had the intention of walking out on my family. I think your idea of a strike and mine are vastly different. I love doing things for my family, but I want my family to appreciate what I do also and not take me for granted.

I agree with Alice when she said there was more going on than just a mother upset that her family wasn't helping out when your mother walked out for those days. I can't imagine doing that to my family. I've mulled it over in my mind wondering what she was going through that caused her to leave like that. Like I said I can't imagine myself ever doing that to my family. Family ties are extremely important to me, extremely important.